Melinda

You're awesome, Tagline

566 notes

<p>The town of Inarajan, located on the southwest coast of Guam with a population of 3,052, flicked her long red hair out her eyes and sighed. People were always telling her she was beautiful, but she...

citationneeded:

“The town of Inarajan, located on the southwest coast of Guam with a population of 3,052, flicked her long red hair out her eyes and sighed. People were always telling her she was beautiful, but she just didn’t see it. She examined herself in the mirror carefully. What was so beautiful about large violet eyes, long slender limbs, and the ruins of several colonial Spanish forts? Certainly she was nowhere near as lovely as her friends Tumon, a tourist hub featuring over 20 large hotels and a Duty Free Shoppers Galleria, or Andrea, who wore a C-cup. Inarajan’s mother entered, her mouth tightened with disapproval. Inarajan’s mother did not understand her. It was as though they were from two different worlds: Inarajan was just a small coastal village, and her mother was an invasive species of brown tree snake from the Phillippines. “It’s time,” said her mother. “Must I?” said Inarajan. “You must,” said her mother. She hesitated, and Inarajan thought she might say something to comfort her, but her mother merely shook her head and decimated Guam’s indigenous bird population.”

The Wikipedia Entry For Guam, Retold As A YA Novel

I wrote this! Please click through and read the whole thing.

236 notes

funnyordie:

21 Low-Cost Gift Ideas for Mother’s Day
There are plenty of ways to show Mom you care without breaking the bank.

A full day at the spa, but just as a spectator.
Twitter shout-out with a link to her latest mixtape.
Coupon good for 45 minutes of you lying about how your life is going.
Flowers, but bad ones.
500 Facebook links where she won’t believe what happens next.
A firm, long handshake with steady eye contact and closed-mouth smile.
A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to invest in your web series.
A Danzig record, but not “Mother” because that’s a little on the nose.

Continue

I wrote some of these too!

funnyordie:

21 Low-Cost Gift Ideas for Mother’s Day

There are plenty of ways to show Mom you care without breaking the bank.

  • A full day at the spa, but just as a spectator.
  • Twitter shout-out with a link to her latest mixtape.
  • Coupon good for 45 minutes of you lying about how your life is going.
  • Flowers, but bad ones.
  • 500 Facebook links where she won’t believe what happens next.
  • A firm, long handshake with steady eye contact and closed-mouth smile.
  • A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to invest in your web series.
  • A Danzig record, but not “Mother” because that’s a little on the nose.

Continue

I wrote some of these too!

(via chamberlain)

25 notes

williebhines:

Elaine May was sexy as all get out.

These are all amazing. Thanks Will for sending me down a long Nichols and May rabbit hole today. In a Vanity Fair article I found a transcript of a short commercial they did.

ELAINE: I have something to tell you, darling.

MIKE: Fine, darling. Can I have a beer, please?

ELAINE: Of course, darling. Here is a glass of cold, extra-dry, sparkling Jax beer.

MIKE: Thank you.

ELAINE: You’re welcome. Phyllis shaved the dog today.

14 notes

I wrote this for Maude Night in March. It might be the most overtly political thing I have ever written. It stars Laura Willcox and Dru Johnston, who also made the graphics.

You should watch it. It’s pretty good.

67 notes

drujohnston:

Tonight is the last night of Don Fanelli and my show Sketches from an Italian Restaurant: A Billy Joel Sketch Show, at the UCB Theatre. I’ve had such an amazing time running this show the past six months and am so proud and so thankful that we got to share this stupid little show with the people of New York.
Last March me and Don were on a tour up at UMass. And like every tour ever we listened to some Billy Joel on the drive back home and all sang along. I think it was Captain Jack, but it honestly could have been Pianoman, Scenes from an Italian Restaurant, Allentown… any of his songs. God he is so good.  
When we got back Don and I took the subway home. We were lamenting the fact that we were feeling complacent, that all too common feeling that you’re doing too much to get any sleep but you always should be doing more. Writing a one man show is what we should both be doing, but it just wasn’t as fun… and we both wanted to work on something that both made us remember what we love about comedy in the first place and also pushed us.
The next day I texted him what you see above. Sketches From An Italian Restaurant was a joke title for a show that I was telling people about for a year. “What are you working on Dru?” “Oh Sketches from an Italian Restaurant. It’s my one man show about Billy Joel.” Never in my wildest dreams did I think that show would see the light of day. Don even admits to getting my text and thinking it was a joke. I suspected as much and sent the follow up text: “I’m very serious about this.” 
From there we started getting to work. And we really dove into this show the exact way we wanted. We’d meet for hours listening to Billy Joel songs and pitching the sketch ideas that they inspired (two favorite really dumb ones: You May Be Right I May be Crazy, but it just may be a lunatic your looking for. But the guy saying it is ACTUALLY a crazy person AND We watch the music video for Keeping the Faith and then just look at the audience and say WHAT?!). We’d write shitty first drafts and then just improvise off of them. We’d send sketches back and forth, constantly rewriting them… One of our sketches in the current show is on draft 30-something… we stopped keeping track.
We then went through seven months of rigorously writing and rehearsing and rewriting and rewriting and rewriting with the help of our directors Dan Klein and Will Hines. We moved sketches around. We added animations to a powerpoint. We wrote a dance number. We cut a dance number. We sat in a room with Will for four hours pitching black out after black out after black out. We came up with over 20, we cut that down to 9. We cut that down to eight. If it didn’t remain funny after an hour it was out.
It was a brutal machine of Sketch Darwinism at it’s finest. The only thing that stayed constant throughout were three videos about Captain Jack and masturbating. Even after we got the run we spent two more months rewriting. Our current pianoman sketch has maybe one line from our third spank… and that line is “Sing us a song you’re the pianoman”. My favorite thing about working with Don is that he’s never satisfied. It can always be funnier. And working on this show brought that out in me. If you’re bored of the show the common idea is to say let’s fuck around on stage. No. Make it tighter. If we had the balls to title a show Sketches From An Italian Restaurant, we better make it undeniably funny and tight.
We went through one workout and three spanks, not to mention many sketch open mics and variety shows. We had an amazing run of six months. We got to take this show out to Los Angeles. And it’s still so fucking fun to do. I’m genuinely sad that the show is ending… but So It Goes. Let’s end this show with a fucking bang, the way Billy Joel would. Let’s celebrate this god of a man through the long night. 
Thank you to everyone who’s come out to see it. Thanks to everyone who’s told us you enjoyed it and who supported it. It truly means the world to me to hear that people like it. It was just a silly joke title over a year ago, and now it’s the thing I’m the most proud of in my seven years of being here in New York.
And special thanks to Dan Klein and Will Hines, without who’s guidance and advice this project would never come to light. They pushed Don and I to reach a standard we never dreamed possible but something we should all be striving for. I could write for hours on how amazing they both are. And also special thanks to Alex Adan… who for six months has pitched great jokes for us and has NAILED this tech heavy show every single night without fail. 
One last show. Tonight. If you have a girlfriend, tell her about it.
RESERVATIONS

This is a truly awesome show. I know you&#8217;re mildly sick of comedy. I know the weather&#8217;s weird. But if you haven&#8217;t seen this show yet, you really, really should.

drujohnston:

Tonight is the last night of Don Fanelli and my show Sketches from an Italian Restaurant: A Billy Joel Sketch Showat the UCB Theatre. I’ve had such an amazing time running this show the past six months and am so proud and so thankful that we got to share this stupid little show with the people of New York.

Last March me and Don were on a tour up at UMass. And like every tour ever we listened to some Billy Joel on the drive back home and all sang along. I think it was Captain Jack, but it honestly could have been Pianoman, Scenes from an Italian Restaurant, Allentown… any of his songs. God he is so good.  

When we got back Don and I took the subway home. We were lamenting the fact that we were feeling complacent, that all too common feeling that you’re doing too much to get any sleep but you always should be doing more. Writing a one man show is what we should both be doing, but it just wasn’t as fun… and we both wanted to work on something that both made us remember what we love about comedy in the first place and also pushed us.

The next day I texted him what you see above. Sketches From An Italian Restaurant was a joke title for a show that I was telling people about for a year. “What are you working on Dru?” “Oh Sketches from an Italian Restaurant. It’s my one man show about Billy Joel.” Never in my wildest dreams did I think that show would see the light of day. Don even admits to getting my text and thinking it was a joke. I suspected as much and sent the follow up text: “I’m very serious about this.” 

From there we started getting to work. And we really dove into this show the exact way we wanted. We’d meet for hours listening to Billy Joel songs and pitching the sketch ideas that they inspired (two favorite really dumb ones: You May Be Right I May be Crazy, but it just may be a lunatic your looking for. But the guy saying it is ACTUALLY a crazy person AND We watch the music video for Keeping the Faith and then just look at the audience and say WHAT?!). We’d write shitty first drafts and then just improvise off of them. We’d send sketches back and forth, constantly rewriting them… One of our sketches in the current show is on draft 30-something… we stopped keeping track.

We then went through seven months of rigorously writing and rehearsing and rewriting and rewriting and rewriting with the help of our directors Dan Klein and Will Hines. We moved sketches around. We added animations to a powerpoint. We wrote a dance number. We cut a dance number. We sat in a room with Will for four hours pitching black out after black out after black out. We came up with over 20, we cut that down to 9. We cut that down to eight. If it didn’t remain funny after an hour it was out.

It was a brutal machine of Sketch Darwinism at it’s finest. The only thing that stayed constant throughout were three videos about Captain Jack and masturbating. Even after we got the run we spent two more months rewriting. Our current pianoman sketch has maybe one line from our third spank… and that line is “Sing us a song you’re the pianoman”. My favorite thing about working with Don is that he’s never satisfied. It can always be funnier. And working on this show brought that out in me. If you’re bored of the show the common idea is to say let’s fuck around on stage. No. Make it tighter. If we had the balls to title a show Sketches From An Italian Restaurant, we better make it undeniably funny and tight.

We went through one workout and three spanks, not to mention many sketch open mics and variety shows. We had an amazing run of six months. We got to take this show out to Los Angeles. And it’s still so fucking fun to do. I’m genuinely sad that the show is ending… but So It Goes. Let’s end this show with a fucking bang, the way Billy Joel would. Let’s celebrate this god of a man through the long night. 

Thank you to everyone who’s come out to see it. Thanks to everyone who’s told us you enjoyed it and who supported it. It truly means the world to me to hear that people like it. It was just a silly joke title over a year ago, and now it’s the thing I’m the most proud of in my seven years of being here in New York.

And special thanks to Dan Klein and Will Hines, without who’s guidance and advice this project would never come to light. They pushed Don and I to reach a standard we never dreamed possible but something we should all be striving for. I could write for hours on how amazing they both are. And also special thanks to Alex Adan… who for six months has pitched great jokes for us and has NAILED this tech heavy show every single night without fail. 

One last show. Tonight. If you have a girlfriend, tell her about it.

RESERVATIONS

This is a truly awesome show. I know you’re mildly sick of comedy. I know the weather’s weird. But if you haven’t seen this show yet, you really, really should.

3 notes

Hey, here’s something.

Sometimes, like when I’ve been running a lot, or have too many canker sores to eat my normal quantity of ice cream bars, or when the moon is full, I have what the kids call a thigh gap. And you know what? It hurts. Not a lot, but when I lie down to sleep, I have to put something soft between my knees because they’re a bit knobbly and unpadded by my normally more cushiony thighs.

It’s not terrible or anything. It’s just… not an experience I particularly recommend. I see people pinteresting about their thigh gap aspirations and it’s like they’re saying “I’d be sexier if my knees were a little more like saran-wrapped pinecones.” Maybe? Look how you want to look and all. I have no aesthetic opinion on thigh gaps. They look fine. But you should know before you become a gym monster that a thigh gap is rather physically uncomfortable.

If you don’t have washboard abs, though, you’re a garbage person.

Filed under thigh gap